RaisingDad: Under The Influence

Thinking 'bout this and that


Enjoy your youth.

Because when you get older it’s gonna hurt.

Case in point, I've just had a full knee replacement. When I first started having knee issues my doctor suggested I should drop a few pounds. I tried to excuse the excess poundage by explaining it runs in my family. He said it was obvious that NOBODY runs in my family.

When I got home from the hospital my granddaughter was so happy to see me that, along with a tender hug, she gave me a pack of gummy bears that she got for Christmas. She missed my tucking her in. It was only for one night, but I missed tucking her in, too.

My father… well, he had his own way of expressing his happiness.

“Since one of your legs is shorter than the other now,” he told me, "you should change your name to Eileen.”

I've never written my column while under the influence of a drug of any kind, but the pain meds I'm on as I write these words have me blissfully pondering this and that, odds and ends, Simon and Garfunkle.

For example, when we were kids my friends and I never had babysitters. Our parents just told us to lock the door and not open it for strangers. That developed a sense of good judgment in us. “Does that man look suspicious?” we would ask ourselves. “And, if so, does he have any candy?” 

Todays’ generation doesn’t bother itself with such critical thinking. That’s why I worry about them. While they may not have lost all their marbles, there’s obviously a hole in the bag. I’m not saying kids today are stupid. I’m just saying they’re not as smart as they think they are. Back in my day a car’s owner’s manual would tell you how to change the battery. These days it warns you not to drink the contents. 

For example, my buddy Maloney has a son. When I asked him how to spell “orange,” he replied: “The fruit or the color?”

 “That’s nothing,” Maloney told me. “Once, when we were on a road trip, we passed a sign that said DEER DRIVE SLOWLY, and he was surprised that deer could drive at all.” 

Still, there’s hope. 

Maybe if we start telling kids their brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

For me, all this just proves MY generation was the best. That’s why, in some ways, I’ve never left it. In my mind I’m still 17. My body, however, tells me otherwise. 

Looking back, when I was a kid there were two ways to die: natural causes and being rude to your mom in front of your dad. How time flies. One minute you’re young and the next your new knee is telling you when it’s going to rain. Why is it I can remember my childhood phone number, but I can’t remember the password I created two minutes ago? 

But enough about me.

Let’s talk about you for a second.

     You may not be aging. You may, in fact, be ripening to perfection. Even so, when it comes to health issues let me offer some friendly advice: don’t google your symptoms. Google will only tell you that you’re dying. Take it from me, if you don't feel well you might just be dehydrated. Have one or two glasses of wine and then see how you feel.

Recently, I was at a restaurant when a server asked if anyone knew CPR. I said, “Heck, lady, I know the whole alphabet!”

Everybody laughed.

Well, except for the guy on the floor. 

From that, I’ve learned laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Unfortunately, laughing at your WIFE'S mistakes will definitely shorten it.

And what is up with my memory? It's gotten so bad I’ve begun to carry a cup of coffee with me wherever I go. That way, if I forget why I walked into a room, it gives me something to do until I remember. Not only that, but I've begun leaving snacks scattered around the floor of my house in case I fall down and can’t get up.

All I can say is I'm glad I have such a kind and caring wife to see me into my golden years. Not only is she beautiful, but she's also smart. When we were first dating, I was building something and asked her to bring me a screwdriver. She answered, “A flat head, a Phillips, or the drink?” 

That's when I knew she was the one.

Well, as the effects of my pain meds come to an end, so does my column, and I’ll sign off with this bit of wisdom: The Bible says we come from dust and to dust we shall return... and THAT'S why you should never dust your house. 

It could be somebody you know.


Which flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums. theduchenebrothers@gmail.com; @Alacazowie