Charlie Blanchard For the Bulletin
Statistics are a wonderful thing. As for statistics being valid and meaningful numbers, some wise man once said, “the thing about statistics is that they can be used to prove anything, even the truth.”
The professional golf tours keep extensive stats on player performance. Going way beyond “fairways and greens,” these data go much deeper into the effectiveness and efficiency of the best players in the game. There are “sand-save” numbers indicating par saves from sand bunkers, “three-putt avoidance” percentages and “scrambling ratio” for pars when not hitting the green.
One of my favorite stats is the “bounce-back” number, which is the frequency with which a player makes birdie on the hole immediately following a double bogey or worse.
Tour stats can be mind-boggling, like “number of holes played per eagle.” Most chops play golf their entire lives and maybe have one eagle, when they bladed a shot over the green and it miraculously ricocheted off a ball washer into the hole for a two. One of my statistics professors said 98 percent of all statistics are made up. So I started thinking of even more obscure methods of tracking personal performance and more interestingly analyzing golfer behavior.
Here are some of my unique and contrived stats you might like to keep:
- Do-Over ratio: Frequency of a player declaring a “breakfast ball” on the first tee.
- Panhandling probability: The likelihood that a player will be begging for strokes prior to teeing off.
- Shank-you’s : The number of solid shots after two consecutive shanks per round.
- Bear-downs: Percentage of putts made after someone says “get it close” as you address the ball.
- Hangover scoring: The average score on morning rounds when you suffer from a serious hangover.
- Gimmies: Putts longer than four inches that you get to pick up during a round. This stat is adjusted by the number of putts you thought should have been gimmies.
- Stupidos: Putts that should have been gimmies that you missed. Often confused with the “”
- Six-putt avoidance: This is simply your playing companions conceding your fifth putt after they have seen enough of you hockey-pucking your ball around the green for three minutes.
- Redeaux ratio: After missing your attempted putt badly, this is your percentage of second attempt putts (re-putts) made per round; as they say, that second guy is good. “Hit second ball first.”
- Driving distance: Total distance (in miles) you had to drive your golf cart during a round.
- Tourette’s ratio: Number of four-letter words that begin with “F” per round, not including “”
- Vanity handicap ratio: Number of high-scoring rounds not posted compared to total rounds.
- Sandbagger handicap ratio: Number of low-scoring rounds not posted compared to total rounds. I would much rather play a vanity handicapper for money than a sandbagger.
- Post sandbag scoring: Your average score on the next round after you have just posted a net 62, which means you’re not really a 13 handicap after all. Give that tournament cash to charity.
- Snail-pace rating: Playing over four-hours per round suggests you should be penalized.
- Suds-saves: Number of beer cup catches per 18 holes, as your beer is about to exit the cart cup holder when your golf cart flies recklessly over mounds, fairway potholes and around corners.
- Bump-and-runs: Other golf carts and immovable objects hit per round with your golf cart.
- Ironman index: The number of rounds you have played in the calendar year over 150.
- Risk-taking index: Number of rounds played on your anniversary, Mother’s Day or wife’s birthday.
- Driver-of-the-month stat: Number of rounds played per new driver; so many clubs, so little time.