Bus & Taxi Drivers, Golfers & Dogs
Plus Sunday school sayings and laws of the universe.
Annals of inebriation... Let us be clear that in sharing this funny from The Santa Claran, we are in no way minimizing the seriousness of drinking and driving, a problem New Mexico seems to suffer in abundance. In any case, it seems the jokester here has learned a lesson:
"I'd like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the law on our way home from the various social events over the years.
"Last week, I went to the Buffalo with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well that I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I called Corre Caminos to take me home.
"Sure enough, as luck would have it, I came to a police roadblock about a mile from my house, but because it was a Corre Caminos bus, they waved it past.
"I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, because I've never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it."
Losing the battle of the sexes... This academic edition of our perennial coverage of the gender wars comes courtesy of GeraldH:
"A guy asked a girl in a library: ‘Do you mind if I sit beside you?' The girl replied with a loud voice: ‘I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!' All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and of course he was embarrassed.
"After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, ‘I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?'
"The guy responded in a loud voice, ‘$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!'
"All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
"The guy whispered in her ear: ‘I study law and I know how to make someone appear guilty.'"
Then there's this tale from GeeRichard:
"Ben, a long-time Santa Fe taxi driver, is parked at a curb when a beautiful, bare-naked young woman jumps into his cab. His jaw drops when he turns to see her, but he avoids saying anything.
"Grinning back, the obviously drunken dame chides: ‘Whatsamatta, you never seen a woman's body before? Or are you just so overwhelmed by my boobs?'
"Ben shakes his heads and says to her, ‘Naw, I've seen plenty of pretty bodies and boobs. My problem is I'm just wondering where you're gonna pull out the fare if I take you anywhere.'"
Kids say the darnedest things... After all that sex, drinking and sin, it's time for a visit to Sunday school, with thanks to Deborah:
"The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!'"
• • •
"A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
"A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, ‘I think I'd throw up.'"
• • •
"A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'
"‘No,' replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms?'"
• • •
"A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
"One child blurted out, ‘Aces!'"
• • •
"Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"‘Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
"‘Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
"‘Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'"
• • •
"A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible — Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
"Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
"On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
"Isn't that so true?"
A good walk spoiled... Just in case you ever need to know, here from Shanty Shaker is "The Polite Irish Way to Call Someone a Bastard":
"A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole of the Dunmurry Golf Club, outside of Belfast, Northern Ireland, when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
"They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, ‘We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five quid a hole?'
"The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but after winning the next few holes agreed to the terms.
"The second guy won the last 12 holes with ease.
"As they were walking off number 18, the second guy was busy counting his 60 quid when he confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
"The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest at the nearby St. Anne's Church. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
"The priest said, ‘You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'
"The pro said, ‘Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'
"The priest said, ‘Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.... and, if you would be so kind as to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."